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* It is with great sadness to share that my mother, Jackie, passed away on Tuesday 9th May, 2023. Mum lived an amazing life doting on family and friends and will live on in the hearts of everyone who loved her. You can read my personal tribute below.
What is grief?
By Lucy Ross
Is it possible to process grief before you really grieve? Grief has such complex meaning with such a vast array of emotions attached to those meanings. How long have I been grieving? How long will grief last? Will it hurt this much now that you are at peace? You looked so calm and serene once you went to sleep.
Does one ever release the grief? or do you just learn to live with it? Surely the grief you feel for your Mother is quite unfathomable but you weren’t just my Mother but you’re my life long best friend, my confidant, my everything… everyone’s best friend… you are so loved.
Who will I send 367 what’s apps to a day? Dad perhaps? Oly maybe? It wouldn’t be the same though as nobody understands me in the way you did. Who would give the best advice? who would shut down my crazy thoughts and calm me in my moments of anxiety and madness? It won’t be you, you won’t ever see my daily abundance of messages or calls again.
Will my heart be broken forever? You were the one that always fixed my heart when it had been broken in the past! And now you are the reason it’s broken!
4.5 years since your cancer diagnosis. They said it would be a journey- around 9 months they said we compared it to a pregnancy (well not a pregnancy as such but a 9 month journey) it just didn’t pan out that way for you Mama. No amount of googling, crying, therapy would help me fix your cancer.
In some respects you would call yourself lucky! Essentially aside from the chemo & your operation you did manage to maintain a normal daily life for a long time with maintenance. But then our whole worlds turned upside down again! Since July 2022 it has been one knock back after another. Every scan- the scaniexty, the pain, the sickness and the suffering. It’s inhumane, it’s unfair to say the very least. Most recently seeing you in so much pain was so unjust, cruel and barbaric- that will forever haunt me.
You were so grateful for your time in this world, your love for Dad and his for you is so special! You had an amazing life, Dad made sure of that.
You say you didn’t want us to see you like this… but there is no where at all that we would rather have been! It was an absolute honour to be by your side, holding your hand. I’m so grateful to have had you as a Mother, I’m cross you were taken from us too soon! Life is so unfair. If I can teach and guide my children even half as much as the way that you have nurtured, loved and cared for me l then I would be doing a fantastic job.
To quote a song which resonates so much when we were waiting for your original diagnosis. Harry Nillson “Without you” came on the radio & I remember myself sobbing in your office! I remember thinking what if she dies? What if she gets taken? How will I survive?
But Mum you have taught me that I am a Mother before a daughter now, these little people need me! Ruby was your favourite person in the world and I promise you that feeling was so mutual! Ruby will carry you forever, your legacy, your little bestie. My children will never ever forget you and we will talk about you every single day.
Since your original diagnosis every milestone that you have made it to has given me a tremendous sense of pride when you have been able to attend; kids birthday parties, nursery graduations, first days of school, drama and singing presentations… I’m in complete awe of you! How you just go on, got up and fought to the bitter end.
Your physical strength and determination, your mental capacity to endure that gruelling disease. Nobody inspires me the way you do. You dedicated your life to us, you moved heaven and earth to stay for us, you are our reason and you will be what will make us strong!!
I’ve never had to cope without you before…. Never ever, but it’s time to stand on my own two feet. I must try to be strong for my little family.
I love you to the moon and back!
Rest in peace Mama 💔
Charity & Love Ruby Ross
As a charitable organisation we like to help as much as we can. To give you an insight of the donations Love Ruby Ross has been able to partake in so far:
CHAI CANCER CARE
I have raised £12,119.88 Chai Cancer care since October 2019 by donating a percentage of every order I have received.
BOWEL CANCER UK
With Natalie Woodward @iamnatwooward we raised £600 in April 2021 for Bowel Cancer awareness month for Bowel Cancer UK
With Carly Moosah @carlyoosah (Breast Cancer Advocate) we raised £251 for Future Dreams Charity